The Canyons- A Low even by Lohan Standards

Chris Hill August 12, 2013 0
The Canyons- A Low even by Lohan Standards
The Canyons
Starring: James Deen, Lindsay Lohan
Director: Paul Schrader

The Canyons Review The Canyons  A Low even by Lohan Standards

 

A trust fund twenty something with weak Hollywood ties, spirals out of control when he learns that his girlfriend had an affair with the leading man of his upcoming film.

The first indication that this film was going to be a colossal steamer was that  no film festival would touch it, even with the controversy and hype that surrounded it. Was it due to the film starring male porn “Star”James Deen? was it to kick Lindsey Lohan when she was down? Not at all, I imagine they watched the film even though it permeates stink a mile away and realize it would besmirch the good name of said festival. Some call the film soft core porn which is such an injustice to soft core porn, soft core porn usually has a weak plot, some bad acting and quite a bit of fake yet worth wile sex scenes. This has all the hallmarks of soft core porn with the exception of worthwhile sex scenes. I will take a Skinemax film with a conveniently placed flower pot or lamp obscuring the view than this pole softeneer, any day.

What I expected was not surprisingly proven true, Deen is terrible, the first scene in the film is almost unwatchable yet for as bad as he is, he hangs in there with Lohan. You know the film is a disaster when they constantly refer to Tara in the beginning of the film and how how beautiful she is and you catch yourself doing a spit take when you realize that Tera is Lindsay Lohan and the film isn’t a comedy. The producers are serious, they think an audience can suspend disbelief enough to connect beautiful and Lohan together.

I imagine that when Bret Easton Ellis wrote the story he didn’t envision Tara having a voice so raspy it sounded like she had her throat raped by 70 years of cigarettes and bad scotch, he also probably imagined an actress than didn’t look like an old mans sun burnt testicles. She is a bloated mess with her giant puffy face providing the look of a human bobble head  doll, her “sex” scenes are about as exciting as masturbating with a belt sander. To think that American Psycho and this were written by the same guy is preposterous. Clearly audiences agree as the grosses indicate. Pain & Gain has been out for 16 weeks and made more money in it’s 16th week than this in its second. Hopefully people will realize that outside of Mean Girls Lohan has done nothing but make headlines by being a train wreck. She has been given ample opportunity but clearly lacks the talent, No amount of viewing her freckled floppers will change that. She is the modern day Dana Plato.

Grade- 23

This drivel makes Showgirls and Glitter look like Citizen Kane and the Godfather.

 

 

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