Starring : Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Kelsey Grammer, Antonio Banderas, Ronda Rousey, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Kellan Lutz
Director: Patrick Hughes
4 years ago Stallone brought to the screen a fairly novel idea. Bring together a group of washed up action stars who used to headline their own films and add them to a script that seems like time had long forgotten. It was a recipe for a solid retro mashup, old timers performing the same way they did back when they were young and indestructible. Audiences longed to see these fading stars either reunited (Lundgren and Stallone) or together for the first time. It was an unequivocal success; of course a sequel was in order.
Number Two was unwatchable yes it had a new “Old Star” (Van Damme) and a cameo by Chuck Norris (although I am pretty sure Chuck Norris doesn’t do Cameos instead they film movies around his everyday life) it was mostly just a chance for the founders of Planet Hollywood to relive some of their former glory. It worked, it was another success. Audiences thronged to it, preferring to see what is comfortable rather than original. It was another box office success which leads us to expendables 3 a film which is a good four years past the expiration date of its premise. At this point the irony of a concept based on eighties action film stars is suffering the pattern of bad 80’s style sequels, they never knew when to hang it up and call it a day.
For Round 3 They did gather together the most impressive cast so far Including Wesley Snipes (who mocks his own tax troubles), a mumbling Harrison Ford (wisely choosing to fly a helicopter rather than get in any hand to hand scuffles) and Mel Gibson in the villain/Barney’s nemesis role (still serving up steaming piles a crazy while being the only character in the film that is self aware enough to wonder why an entire army can’t shoot a gun straight) With such an all star cast it is beyond comprehension why the majority of the film is focused primarily on Stallone’s character Barney Ross. Stallone appears to be juiced to the gills with 3% body fat and eyebrows that arch to such a point that they slap Mother Nature in the face; while impressive it doesn’t mean I want to watch him run around dodging explosions for two hours.
The flimsy plot is that Gibson’s Conrad Stonebanks founded the Expendables with Barney and now he wants payback. Barney doesn’t want to see his team get hurt so he recruits some young bucks to work as his team, when they get in trouble it’s up to the original recipe Expendables to come save the day.
As per usual with the Expendables some newcomers have arrived on the scene most notably woman’s bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey as a bar bouncer recruited to be a team member due to her ability to beat up boys and spout what has to be the worst catchphrase in cinematic history the painful zinger “men”. I know when I am putting together a crack team of mercenaries to overthrow an army and take down my nemesis; I head straight for the Bar, not to steady my nerves with a drink but rather to recruit bouncers. I find that if you are great at close quarters combat in a crowded bar the natural progression is an innate ability to use fully automatic weapons in a war zone,
The lone bright spot is the reuniting of Stallone’s former ‘Assassins’ costar Antonio Banderas as Galgo the overly talkative elder statesman, chomping at the bit for the opportunity to get back in the killing game. Bandera’s brings the one thing that Stallone and crew forget, charisma. His scenes are genuinely fun.
It’s not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination; it has characters that you wish were killed off in the first yet still spring up bringing nothing to the table (Randy Couture).
There are plenty of explosions and an insurmountable amount of enemies who apparently forgot to put bullets in their guns. The action sequences while big and loud are so preposterous that they lack any enjoyment.
There is no doubt that it will succeed at the box office. It’s that warm bowl of soup on a cold day over at Grandma’s house, a bit bland, lacks seasoning and it doesn’t taste very good but it’s comfortable and brings back memories of older, better times.
Grade – 61
