I Couldn’t have been more disappointed if they brought out the ice man himself and told me he was partaking as a passed his prime yet pivotal character. This is a film that although it has a PG-13 rating and the current trend is to take light hearted fare and make it darker, This doesnt get that treatment it is geared entirely towards the 10 and under crowd.
Yes the turtles are updated and look much better than in the past. They are much more distinct with each having its own physical characteristics rather than strictly a colored mask to disseminate them. Raphael looks like he is juiced to the gills. Donatello wears spectacles that are so thick they could start a brush fire on Venus if held to the Sun, of course he is the smart one. The orignial plot is held pretty much intact, the turtles are trained by their master ‘Splinter’ a Rat voiced by Tony Shaloub, I have never witnessed a more miscast voice artist than Shaloub. There is nothing about his voice that lends well to a colossal Rat Sensai. The evil nemesis Shredder is beyond stereotypical with his Asian-ish and Splinter should be the same. At no point should you constantly think you are watching a foreign film with a dubbed english voice coming out of it.
Somewhere in this mess is what would technically be classified as a plot. The Shredder and his foot clan have teamed up with scientist/business man/philanthropist Eric Sacks (William Fischer) to unleash horrible pathogens upon with the plan to come to the aid of the city after the US Government cuts them giant a paycheck. How do they plan on aiding the citizens they have poisoned and or killed? with an antidote of course, That antidote being the Mutigen that runs through the Turtles veins that took them from simple box turtles to seven foot, english speaking, ninja turtles. You read that correctly Shredder and Sacks genius plan is to gas the city of New York with the same thing that can turn a box turtle into a seven foot talkin, Ninja. Have these geniuses not thought that maybe this Mutigen will in fact turn the citizens of New York into Colossal Monsters? Why would the government pay for a cure that has never been tested and the results are mutants?
The entire film is held together by ambitious fluff piece reporter April O’Neil (Megan Fox) who is the only person in the entire city that thinks there might be a story in the masked vigilantes. Megan Fox can only be described as the weak link in a one woman chain. She honestly has zero business being in Movies she should stick to having her picture taken. It is shocking to watch a movie where CGI turtles appear more human than the female lead. She is the real world equivalent of Derrek Zoolander, Regardless of the situation she gives her one look, which given the ravages of time is not nearly as good as the look she gave in Transformers. She is a B movie actress at best that should stick to non dialogue, supporting roles or better yet do something for Steve Hirsch and Vivid Entertainment.
There is another human character Vernon Fenwick who is played by . Will essentially plays himself how you feel about his character will depend solely on whether you like him or not. He plays up his attraction to human mannequin April O’Neil and provides a few laughs.
What really sinks this turd is that you expect it to be silly but they are Ninjas and you expect there to be some pretty impressive action. While there are a few big action pieces, most notably a truck going down a snow covered mountain with the turtles using there shells as sleds. The majority of the fighting until that point is the sound of a fight and then a Foot Clan soldier flying in the air.
I entered with high hopes expecting a reimagining of the turtles, Hell the movie is PG-13 there had better be some good action or sassy dialogue. Nothing new is brought to the franchise. If you are 6-8 years old this will be right in your wheelhouse. If you fall out of the range strap your boots on you are in for two hours of nonsense. YOU KNOW ITS BAD WHEN YOU MISS VANILLA ICE
Grade- 59
